Tag Archive: Mitt Romney


Not Here, Not Now

Incredible as it may seem, yet another raging controversy has broken out over yet another of our nation’s most sacred sites.  On August 17th, a federal jury in Chicago had the unmitigated gall to convict former governor Rod Blagojevich of a whole one of 24 criminal charges for trying to sell a US Senate seat to the highest bidder. What’s next?  Will the feds try to make it illegal not to pay one’s income taxes, or prohibit public schools from serving fried goose droppings on alternate Thursdays?  And now, before we’ve had any opportunity to come to terms with the horror of 8/17, we learn that hair stylist Jerry Kerl brazenly proposes to open a Kool Kutz franchise mere blocks from the very courthouse in which this travesty was inflicted on the hair head of Governor Blagojevich.  To which we can only say, “not here, not now.”  It’s just too soon.

Mindful of the controversy, Kerl stresses that his proposed hair cuttery will be “less of a conservative, fundamentalist salon” and more of a “community center, where people can gather to shoot the breeze and get a great cut for only $9.99.”  Kerl, who’s own cut of choice is “The Edwards” (named, of course, after the great 18th century theologian) has stated that proximity to the courthouse was not a factor in his decision to open his shop.  But now that he’s been attacked in the press, picketed, and had a straightener held threateningly to his flowing locks, Kerl is fiercely determined to exercise his right as an American to build a business—as the Constitution stipulates—“wherever the hell he wants.”

The opposition is being spearheaded by an unlikely union between middle aged white men with combovers and considerably hipper youth with fauxhawks. This special interest group, We Care For Hair, believes that the salon would be a victory for the meddlesome prosecution and a further insult to a governor who had to face the indignity of being held accountable for his actions.  Many New Yorkers have allied with We Care for Hair in order to show support for their own governor, “Teflon Dave” or “Pat the Bunny,” who also was treated horribly by commissions that object to him scoring free Yankee tickets and intimidating victims of domestic abuses perpetrated by his aides.  Sarah Palin has refudiated Kerl’s claims to the site while Levi Johnston (who wears the “Deadbeat Do”) has gone on a nudity strike, refusing to put on clothes until someone figures out how to give him the attention he deserves.

But Kerl has his allies too.  “Natural” blondes and Scott Brown (cut: The ”C-SPAN Centerfold”) have fought for the right of Kool Kutz to establish their branch in Chicago, notwithstanding the tender sensitivities of those supporting Blagojevich (who sports the “Rug On The Floor Of Michael Steele’s Office”).  “The right to good style is a fundamental right guaranteed in the Constitution,” patron Mitt Romney stated, stroking his $3000 nose trim (the “Tundra”).  “It’s included right there in the eighth amendment’s protection against cruel and unusual punishment.”  President Obama originally agreed with Mitt And Caboodle, but his remarks and conservative buzz cut (commonly known as the “Scorched Earth,” but technically called the “Moscow, 1812”) caused such a firestorm that he has since backed away from his previously definitive stance.  He issued a statement that he “was not commenting and will not comment on the wisdom of making the decision to build a salon” but rather “was commenting very specifically on the right to perms and pompadours people have that dates back to our founding.”

With such heated views on both sides, the controversy is unlikely to be resolved in the public forum and most likely will end up in front of the Supreme Court.  We Care for Hair is looking to the conservative court of Justice Roberts (cut: “The Situation”) to uphold their viewpoint and protect future governors from being spared the horrid treatment their governor faced; the special interest group remains hopeful, as it believes that a body that wears the same clothes every single day will not view Kerl’s “right to style” as a Constitutional imperative.  The more liberal members of the court, however, are likely to make it a close decision.  “We believe in the right to a great do at any time,” said Supreme Court Justice and Kool Kutz client Elena Kagan (cut: the “Janet Reno”).  “After all, this is America, the land of the free and the home of the mullet.”

[Image taken from http://www.thehollywoodgossip.com/gallery/rod-blagojevich-picture/%5D

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If I Had A Million Dollars

If I had the good fortune to be given millions of dollars in political donations, the first thing that I would do would be to hire a good plumber.  Maybe he could salvage the real Joseph Lieberman from the cranky crone who now sits in his senate seat and seems to be full of crap (I’ll give that one a minute to sink in).  I would then move on to the second item on my wish list: spending  $1,946.25 of my party’s money at a venue that describes itself as “a destination for provocative revelry that combines eroticism and nightlife exclusivity.”  I hoped to be the first to accomplish this feat, but just like with my plan to take a road trip with my dog Sparky strapped to the roof of my car, the Republican Party managed to beat me to it.  This Monday saw the Republican National Committee open an investigation as to why nearly $2000 worth of donations designed to help reclaim seats during midterm elections were spent to pay a tab at Voyeur in West Hollywood. “Why not?” was not deemed to be an acceptable answer.

Before you lose your faith in the integrity of your elected officials, allow me to explain the situation.  First off, Voyeur—despite the scantily clad woman with 47 inch heels on the front page of its website—is not a strip club.  As Sarah Waldman, the director of special events at Voyeur stated in the New York Times, “We cater to a high-end, A-list clientele with live art installations with a voyeuristic theme.”  Donors should be further mollified when they learn that risqué photography and film displays (with impromptu performances) contribute to the venue’s decorative theme; the interior design was inspired by the orgy scene in Stanley Kubrick’s Eyes Wide Shut, Martin Scorsese’s fourth favorite film of the 1990s (Seriously).  The Republican officials were probably just admiring the cultural value of this building while being given the opportunity to exercise their own creativity in the photo booth that, according to Waldman’s press release, “allows uninhibited guests to create their own stills.” (For the sake of all that is right and good in the world, please say that they did not do this. Or if they did, that the evidence never surfaces. Ever.) Lord knows that these gentlemen need to buff up their creative skills (AND NOTHING ELSE) if they wish to fulfill the title of Republic National Committee Chairman Michael Steele’s book, Right Now: A 12-Step Program for Defeating the Obama Agenda. [I’ve gotten several comments about this–this is the actual title of his book. Really.]  Republicans will have to work even harder to fulfill the promise of John McCain’s soon-to-be classic Are You There, God? It’s Me, Maverick.

Dear Readers, please do not judge these men too harshly. Who can fault politicians for wanting to escape the stodginess of D.C. in order to bond with the common folk, like Lindsay Lohan and other Hollywood residents who can afford the $2000 table charge?  Perhaps had we been presented with the donations, we would have spent it differently (NB: if you wish to donate to the Brett Needs Some Dough Fund, I would be happy to help and take your money).  Maybe we would have worked towards a reconciliation on the health care bill that, despite being passed, is still a mess.  Maybe we would have paid for one haircut for Mitt Romney.  Maybe we would have used it in the service of the purpose for which it was actually intended.  But that, my friends, is why you and I aren’t the ones in office.