Tag Archive: John McCain

Don’t Ask, Don’t Televise

For an in-depth look at one of our country’s most intelligent military policies, check out our op-ed in The Harvard Crimson.  You’ll never see Dennis Kucinich in the same way again.

(image taken from http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_C03mWE1l3XE/TJjCxqDe4dI/AAAAAAAAA2M/QpXNlCpQj-8/s1600/dont-ask-dont-tell.jpg)


MAY 20, 2011. PHOENIX, ARIZONA.  At 11:00 PM on May 19th, police took Snoopy Brown into custody in Phoenix, Arizona.  The arrest of Brown is the latest of hundreds prompted by the new immigration law SB 1070.  Better known as “Don’t Judge a Book By Its Cover,” SB 1070 makes it a Class 1 Misdemeanor not to carry immigration papers and allows police to question individuals “if reasonable suspicion exists that the person is an alien.”  This clause led to the mistaken arrest of Heidi Montag and emphasized the need for clarification of the term “alien.”  Brown allegedly got down on all fours and begged for a reprieve, but the police refused to throw him a bone.  Since his arrest, several members of a group that call themselves “The Peanuts Gang” have attempted to contact him, but Brown is currently being kept on a tight leash.

As always, senator John McCain bravely stood up against his state government and defended the side of sanity: “It’s the drivers of cars with illegals in them that are intentionally causing accidents on the freeways.”  He was then reminded that he was no longer a maverick, so he recanted his earlier rebellious comments, stating instead that the law, much like himself, was a “good tool.”  Sarah Palin attempted to call a press conference but was immediately arrested under SB 1070 for her suspicious “alien grammatical constructions.”

The law has provoked much fire from liberals, drawing spontaneous protests throughout the un-Real-American parts of the country and prompting a televised benefit concert sponsored by George Clooney.  The event took a turn for the worse when Penelope Cruz and Antonio Banderas were arrested because “well, duh.”  Dakota Fanning was also taken into custody because authorities “always thought that kid was creepy.”  Tom Cruise is currently on the run.

With Snoopy Brown in custody, the police are working to infiltrate his gang.  Brown’s known associate, Woodstock, appears to have flown the coop. All of the Peanuts have been placed on the government’s terrorist watch list and citizens are urged to contact the terrorist hotline or website (www.longlivetheamericandream.com) if they have any information.  The Arizona government has also opened investigations of the legality of such individuals as the glaringly yellow Bart Simpson, the insanely thin Flat Stanley and Bill O’Reilly, who has raised suspicions for looking like a potato who woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  Governor Jan Brewer stated in a press release, “The arrest of Snoopy Brown is just the first step in ridding our country of the dangers posed by illegal immigration. We can’t trust any of them.  You might think someone is your best friend, but if you let him, he’ll bite the hand that feeds him and crap on your carpet.”

What’s In a Name?

Last week, McCain told Newsweek that “I never considered myself a maverick.” (Sorry kids, time to put down the shot glasses.)  Aside from employing the great political strategy of “lying,” McCain’s recent announcement brings into sharp relief an important issue in politics: nicknames.  Think of all the impressive American appellations: George “Dubya” Bush.  Arnold “The Governator” Schwarzenegger. Lyndon “B” Johnson.  Would Adlai Stevenson have become president were it not for Eisenhower’s use of the catchy slogan “We Like Ike?”  Would Winfield Scott have been half the general he was were he not nicknamed “Old Fuss and Feathers”?  Would school children ever learn anything about Winfield Scott were he not nicknamed “Old Fuss and Feathers”?

Nicknames are more than just clever taglines.  They can seriously influence politics and change the course of American history.  In 1998, Bill Clinton was dogged by the damning name “Slick Willy,” increasing the difficulty of his arduous trek against public opinion and an impeachment-hungry Congress.  “Joe Sixpack” was one of the most contentious figures of the 2008 presidential campaign, a fact that his wife, Anne “Get-Your-Butt-Off-The-Couch-and-Clean-Up-Those-Stupid-Beer-Cans-Already” was none too happy about.  Perhaps the most memorable instance of the real impact of political monikers came during the presidency of Calvin Coolidge, when “Silent Cal”’s failure to answer his wife’s inquiry as to whether or not her bottom looked rotund in a particular dress led directly to the stock market crash of 1929.  If only Old Fuss and Feathers had been there to help.

McCain’s departure from his maverickianism is more than simply a semantic shift.  Shedding his nickname of Maverick is not only inconvenient to the publishers of his 2002 autobiography, subtitled “The Education of an American Maverick.”  It also represents the real morphing of John McCain from honorable politician to bumbling hypocrite.  For those of you who can remember back to the long lost days of last millennium, John McCain was a respected senator who built his image on being rational and untouched by party politics.  He was for immigration reform long before it was fashionable, and he was to campaign finance reform what Old Fuss and Feathers was to overcoming the handicap of being called Old Fuss and Feathers.  McCain even one-upped Walter Mondale by picking not only a woman to be his running mate, but a woman who I won’t even make fun of, because it’s just too darn easy.  McCain used to be a true maverick that even members of the Democratic Party could admire.  But with the 2008 election, that man seemed to have fled in favor of the old coot who could be found wandering around the stage during presidential debates.  He traded brains for the party line, values for votes, and integrity for a smile that will terrify young children for decades.  He lost the right to call himself a maverick long ago, and it seems that he’s only just realized it.  Where is our old John McCain?  Where are the mavericks of yesteryear?

I’ll put Old Fuss and Feathers on the case.