“The best we can hope for concerning the people at large is that they be properly armed.”

— Alexander Hamilton, The Federalist Papers

In the last days of June, the Supreme Court handed down an incredible decision in McDonald v. City of Chicago, in which it declared unconstitutional state and local handgun bans.  While many Americans are excited to exercise their newly reclaimed right to bear arms in churches, banks, and schools, they need to realize that getting rid of a ban on guns is not enough in itself to rid our country of murderers. You see, as the N.R.A. so often reminds us, guns don’t kill people; people kill people.  It follows, therefore, that in order to put an end to violent crime in America, we must lower the number of people in America.  The best way for this to happen, while still maintaining all of the current citizens of this great nation, is by controlling future population levels.  In order to do this, I propose instituting a One Child, One Gun policy.

Under One Child, One Gun, every family would be permitted to have only one child, and this child, along with a pink or blue hat and booties, would be issued an Uzi at birth (for those born before the law’s effective date who therefore might not be in possession of an Uzi, guns may be retroactively distributed at confirmations and bar mitzvahs).   I understand the difficulty in getting Congress to agree to such a plan, since the Uzi is not an American brand, but the clear benefits (outlined below) of the proposed bill will surely outweigh the minor hitch of temporary importing.

The babies born under One Child, One Gun will grow up in a more positive environment as a result of having an Uzi instead of a brother.  Sibling rivalry will be eliminated by virtue of the elimination of siblings.  With the introduction to the playground of Mutually Assured Destruction, the threshold for retaliation in matters like kickball disputes and tag infractions will be raised to such a point that neither side will dare to instigate a confrontation, eliminating schoolyard bullying and lunch-line cutting once and for all.  As the children progress into their teenage years, the Uzi will remain consistent and true; unlike the flighty friendships of adolescence, the companionship of a gun will be ever present, as it is not prey to the addling effects of hormones.

Providing each family with one baby and one gun will do much more than transform the nature of childhood.  By limiting our population growth, we can solve many of today’s major societal problems, including the ever-dwindling supply of oil, overcrowding in the cities, and our growing carbon footprint.  On a more pragmatic level, One Child, One Gun will also save Americans more money than any potential tax cut could.  The average American child costs their parents around $20,000 or more per year, whereas the maintenance of a firearm consists only of procuring a permit ($40), regular cleaning and lubrication (negligible), and ammunition costs (around $30 per box of 20 cartridges).  Even if one were to go through 50 boxes, the family would still save $18,460 every year by receiving an Uzi instead of a second child.  With $18,460, each family could purchase an American car, save for their child’s college education, or invest in better health insurance (costs admittedly may rise a bit, as two year olds are sometimes forgetful about engaging the safety).

There are those who would argue that introducing more guns into the populace would itself quickly result in a reduction in population and thereby eliminate the need for the “One Child” component of One Child, One Gun.  What these critics must realize is that the establishment of One Child,

One Gun will actually keep us from having to resort to such a crass method of population control.  Just as taking care of a pet can teach children valuable lessons on responsibility, so too will caring for and maintaining their Uzi instill in them the core American values of decency and respect.  Imagine the benefits of an enlightened generation of Americans exercising their constitutional rights for the good of our country.  Our illegal immigration problems would be all but solved if aliens were confronted with an entire God-fearing nation armed and ready to protect our freedom.  The terrorists of 9/11 could have been stymied had the patriots aboard those planes simply have been allowed to stow weapons among their carry-on luggage.  Road rage incidents would plummet, as each law-abiding citizen would know that their prospective opponent has the same caliber firearm in the backseat.

Now that the Supreme Court has been bold enough to open the door, I call upon Congress to finish the job.  The Constitution stipulates that our government must promote the general welfare, and how better to do so than to provide every newborn American with his or her own gun?  With One Child, One Gun, the future envisioned by the Second Amendment is ours for the taking—are we as a nation ready to pull the trigger?