Today marks the final day of our second annual Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Pride Month, a tradition started by President Obama as an alternative to the customary White Anglo-Saxon and Super Straight Uptight Protestants (WASSUP) Pride Month.  Obama marked the occasion by flouting the Defense of Marriage Act—also known as Todd Palin wielding a seal club—by granting homosexual couples parental leave and visitation rights.  Openness and honesty were in the air as singer Vanessa Carlton came out as bisexual and rapper Eminem came out as white. Massachusetts legalized marriage between a man and a Yankees fan while Alabama even allowed Alexa, age 3, and Samantha, age 3.5, to hold hands on the playground.  All in all, it was a great month to be gay.

But as we all could have guessed, Texas had the most fabulous celebration of all: the Republican Party of the Lone Star State decided to showcase its pride by publishing its 2010 party platform in the middle of June.  The Texas GOP (Gay? Oh, Please) began the flamboyant document by declaring, “The embodiment of the conservative dream in America is Texas.” This was a helpful reminder, as many of us had previously thought that the embodiment of the conservative dream in America was Ann Coulter singing “God Bless America” while wearing nothing but tea bags.  After clearing that up, the party laid out the ten principles of their conservative credo, including “preserving American freedom and Texas sovereignty,” “the sanctity of human life,” and “the right to carry bazookas to nursery school so long as the toddler bought it at a gun show.”  Texas upheld its dedication to addressing LGBT issues with an integral item on the list: “Self-sufficient families, founded on the traditional marriage of a natural man and a natural woman.”  Sorry, Joan Rivers.

The party was hardly done there.  To capture the true inclusive spirit of LGBT Month, the GOP decided not to discriminate in determining whom they would discriminate against.  Not only did they propose outlawing gay marriage, but the Texans also “support legislation that would make it a felony to issue a marriage license to a same-sex couple and for any civil official to perform a marriage ceremony for such.”  Now anyone can get arrested on account of homosexuality!  Friends of homosexuals, aiders and abetters of homosexuals, pets of homosexuals, homosexual pets (which are sent right off to Aunt Millie’s farm, if you get my drift), can all be felons in the eyes of Texas law.  As Colin Powell would say, that’s just fab.

After being kind enough to dedicate a full 10% of their creed to gay marriage, the Texans built on their commitment to LGBT Month by dedicating a paragraph to homosexuality in general: “Homosexuality tears at the fabric of society, contributes to the breakdown of the family unit, and leads to the spread of dangerous, communicable diseases.”  Whereas the rest of the document highlighted the research and effort that had gone into drafting the platform, this section unfortunately suffers from some unintentional ignorance.  Don’t they know that no self-respecting homosexual would tear at society’s fabric?  He would use some nice shears, thank you very much.  And he’d stitch it back together to make a quilt or even a cute mumu.  Michael Kors is probably rolling in his tanning bed.

This small hiccup notwithstanding, Texas clearly has gone above and beyond the call of duty, marking LGBT Pride Month with more fervor than most of the gay states (Rhode Island, Massachusetts, Utah, etc.).  For not only have these patriotic Texans gone all out in their efforts to acknowledge their LGBT friend, Dave, but they have done so at great cost to themselves.  How brave of them to soldier on despite the fact that their state is home to the openly gay mayor of Houston, Annise Parker, and the openly terrifying Karl Rove.  And not for a moment did they hesitate to stand up for basic decency, even at the expense of the nation’s fastest growing group of homosexuals, Republican Congressmen.  We appreciate the effort, Texas Republicans, but you ought to do more to protect your own.  By banning homosexuality, sodomy, gay marriage, performing gay marriage ceremonies, watching Spiderman (really? You didn’t notice all that spandex?), “sexually oriented businesses,” and “all pornography,” you’re going to risk becoming like that town in Footloose, except with worse interior decorating.  You really don’t have to give so much of yourself to prove your commitment to LGBT issues.  You’ve done enough already.

Seriously, you’ve done enough.


Image Sources: Texas Flag (, Gay Pride Flag (×332.jpg)