MAY 20, 2011. PHOENIX, ARIZONA.  At 11:00 PM on May 19th, police took Snoopy Brown into custody in Phoenix, Arizona.  The arrest of Brown is the latest of hundreds prompted by the new immigration law SB 1070.  Better known as “Don’t Judge a Book By Its Cover,” SB 1070 makes it a Class 1 Misdemeanor not to carry immigration papers and allows police to question individuals “if reasonable suspicion exists that the person is an alien.”  This clause led to the mistaken arrest of Heidi Montag and emphasized the need for clarification of the term “alien.”  Brown allegedly got down on all fours and begged for a reprieve, but the police refused to throw him a bone.  Since his arrest, several members of a group that call themselves “The Peanuts Gang” have attempted to contact him, but Brown is currently being kept on a tight leash.

As always, senator John McCain bravely stood up against his state government and defended the side of sanity: “It’s the drivers of cars with illegals in them that are intentionally causing accidents on the freeways.”  He was then reminded that he was no longer a maverick, so he recanted his earlier rebellious comments, stating instead that the law, much like himself, was a “good tool.”  Sarah Palin attempted to call a press conference but was immediately arrested under SB 1070 for her suspicious “alien grammatical constructions.”

The law has provoked much fire from liberals, drawing spontaneous protests throughout the un-Real-American parts of the country and prompting a televised benefit concert sponsored by George Clooney.  The event took a turn for the worse when Penelope Cruz and Antonio Banderas were arrested because “well, duh.”  Dakota Fanning was also taken into custody because authorities “always thought that kid was creepy.”  Tom Cruise is currently on the run.

With Snoopy Brown in custody, the police are working to infiltrate his gang.  Brown’s known associate, Woodstock, appears to have flown the coop. All of the Peanuts have been placed on the government’s terrorist watch list and citizens are urged to contact the terrorist hotline or website (www.longlivetheamericandream.com) if they have any information.  The Arizona government has also opened investigations of the legality of such individuals as the glaringly yellow Bart Simpson, the insanely thin Flat Stanley and Bill O’Reilly, who has raised suspicions for looking like a potato who woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  Governor Jan Brewer stated in a press release, “The arrest of Snoopy Brown is just the first step in ridding our country of the dangers posed by illegal immigration. We can’t trust any of them.  You might think someone is your best friend, but if you let him, he’ll bite the hand that feeds him and crap on your carpet.”

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