Yesterday was the day that Apple released the iPad, causing a hullabaloo, a hubbub, and one brouhaha for good luck.  Yesterday, technology nerds queued up outside their local Apple stores, lining the sidewalks in order to get their hands on the hottest product from today’s hottest company—sorry, cast of Chicago.  (The police who had been hired for crowd control were later dispatched to their local Rite Aids to calm down hordes of confused, chocolate-clutching boyfriends roaming the feminine products aisles.)  Yesterday was also the day on which I confirmed my previous suspicions that iAmaneanderthal.

The iPad, for those who have been living under an old-fashioned rock without wireless access, is a tablet computer that combines the features of the iPhone and a laptop.  Featuring a touch screen and “magical” features—you just have to tap it and say, “mischief managed” in order to block other users from accessing your documents—, the iPad is designed to be the future of accessing the web, email, photos and video.  While it has frustrated techies with its finicky keyboard and inability to run multiple programs at once, Apple’s latest gadget, like technology’s [more] egotistical Tom Cruise, had the average person at “i.”

But just like my mom has always told me, I am clearly not an average person.  I still like to read my books in print, use my telephone for phone calls, and until recently, thought that ‘Snooki’ was some form of baked good (I wasn’t necessarily too far off on the baked aspect).  And unlike most people who stereotypically hold these views, I am under the age of seventy-six.  Suck it, Robert Byrd.

As a token sub-septuagenarian, I am here to say that iDontgetit.  Technology is fantastic in that it can enrich our lives; from Robert Jarvick’s artificial heart to Rod Blagojevich’s artificial hair, innovation and science have combined to produce what was once pure fantasy.  But what purpose does the iPad serve?  Steve Jobs can say iProfit and gadget junkies can claim iCraveit, but otherwise, it seems that most people are left with a rather unusable laptop, or a cell phone roughly the size and shape of Wyoming.  I don’t understand spending unfathomable dollars to develop a product that combines two others so as to decrease the efficiency of both of them, and  I don’t understand standing on line for hours to get such a product that will undoubtedly be upstaged by the iPaded next week.  I’m not too proud to admit that iJustdontgetit.  And so, I refuse to get sucked into the iPad craze.  I refuse to rush out to get an Apple tablet to go with an Apple laptop, Apple phone, and Apple mp3 player.

But next year, iWontargueifigetitformybirthday.