If I had the good fortune to be given millions of dollars in political donations, the first thing that I would do would be to hire a good plumber.  Maybe he could salvage the real Joseph Lieberman from the cranky crone who now sits in his senate seat and seems to be full of crap (I’ll give that one a minute to sink in).  I would then move on to the second item on my wish list: spending  $1,946.25 of my party’s money at a venue that describes itself as “a destination for provocative revelry that combines eroticism and nightlife exclusivity.”  I hoped to be the first to accomplish this feat, but just like with my plan to take a road trip with my dog Sparky strapped to the roof of my car, the Republican Party managed to beat me to it.  This Monday saw the Republican National Committee open an investigation as to why nearly $2000 worth of donations designed to help reclaim seats during midterm elections were spent to pay a tab at Voyeur in West Hollywood. “Why not?” was not deemed to be an acceptable answer.

Before you lose your faith in the integrity of your elected officials, allow me to explain the situation.  First off, Voyeur—despite the scantily clad woman with 47 inch heels on the front page of its website—is not a strip club.  As Sarah Waldman, the director of special events at Voyeur stated in the New York Times, “We cater to a high-end, A-list clientele with live art installations with a voyeuristic theme.”  Donors should be further mollified when they learn that risqué photography and film displays (with impromptu performances) contribute to the venue’s decorative theme; the interior design was inspired by the orgy scene in Stanley Kubrick’s Eyes Wide Shut, Martin Scorsese’s fourth favorite film of the 1990s (Seriously).  The Republican officials were probably just admiring the cultural value of this building while being given the opportunity to exercise their own creativity in the photo booth that, according to Waldman’s press release, “allows uninhibited guests to create their own stills.” (For the sake of all that is right and good in the world, please say that they did not do this. Or if they did, that the evidence never surfaces. Ever.) Lord knows that these gentlemen need to buff up their creative skills (AND NOTHING ELSE) if they wish to fulfill the title of Republic National Committee Chairman Michael Steele’s book, Right Now: A 12-Step Program for Defeating the Obama Agenda. [I’ve gotten several comments about this–this is the actual title of his book. Really.]  Republicans will have to work even harder to fulfill the promise of John McCain’s soon-to-be classic Are You There, God? It’s Me, Maverick.

Dear Readers, please do not judge these men too harshly. Who can fault politicians for wanting to escape the stodginess of D.C. in order to bond with the common folk, like Lindsay Lohan and other Hollywood residents who can afford the $2000 table charge?  Perhaps had we been presented with the donations, we would have spent it differently (NB: if you wish to donate to the Brett Needs Some Dough Fund, I would be happy to help and take your money).  Maybe we would have worked towards a reconciliation on the health care bill that, despite being passed, is still a mess.  Maybe we would have paid for one haircut for Mitt Romney.  Maybe we would have used it in the service of the purpose for which it was actually intended.  But that, my friends, is why you and I aren’t the ones in office.