Incredible as it may seem, yet another raging controversy has broken out over yet another of our nation’s most sacred sites. On August 17th, a federal jury in Chicago had the unmitigated gall to convict former governor Rod Blagojevich of a whole one of 24 criminal charges for trying to sell a US Senate seat to the highest bidder. What’s next? Will the feds try to make it illegal not to pay one’s income taxes, or prohibit public schools from serving fried goose droppings on alternate Thursdays? And now, before we’ve had any opportunity to come to terms with the horror of 8/17, we learn that hair stylist Jerry Kerl brazenly proposes to open a Kool Kutz franchise mere blocks from the very courthouse in which this travesty was inflicted on the hair head of Governor Blagojevich. To which we can only say, “not here, not now.” It’s just too soon.
Mindful of the controversy, Kerl stresses that his proposed hair cuttery will be “less of a conservative, fundamentalist salon” and more of a “community center, where people can gather to shoot the breeze and get a great cut for only $9.99.” Kerl, who’s own cut of choice is “The Edwards” (named, of course, after the great 18th century theologian) has stated that proximity to the courthouse was not a factor in his decision to open his shop. But now that he’s been attacked in the press, picketed, and had a straightener held threateningly to his flowing locks, Kerl is fiercely determined to exercise his right as an American to build a business—as the Constitution stipulates—“wherever the hell he wants.”
The opposition is being spearheaded by an unlikely union between middle aged white men with combovers and considerably hipper youth with fauxhawks. This special interest group, We Care For Hair, believes that the salon would be a victory for the meddlesome prosecution and a further insult to a governor who had to face the indignity of being held accountable for his actions. Many New Yorkers have allied with We Care for Hair in order to show support for their own governor, “Teflon Dave” or “Pat the Bunny,” who also was treated horribly by commissions that object to him scoring free Yankee tickets and intimidating victims of domestic abuses perpetrated by his aides. Sarah Palin has refudiated Kerl’s claims to the site while Levi Johnston (who wears the “Deadbeat Do”) has gone on a nudity strike, refusing to put on clothes until someone figures out how to give him the attention he deserves.
But Kerl has his allies too. “Natural” blondes and Scott Brown (cut: The ”C-SPAN Centerfold”) have fought for the right of Kool Kutz to establish their branch in Chicago, notwithstanding the tender sensitivities of those supporting Blagojevich (who sports the “Rug On The Floor Of Michael Steele’s Office”). “The right to good style is a fundamental right guaranteed in the Constitution,” patron Mitt Romney stated, stroking his $3000 nose trim (the “Tundra”). “It’s included right there in the eighth amendment’s protection against cruel and unusual punishment.” President Obama originally agreed with Mitt And Caboodle, but his remarks and conservative buzz cut (commonly known as the “Scorched Earth,” but technically called the “Moscow, 1812”) caused such a firestorm that he has since backed away from his previously definitive stance. He issued a statement that he “was not commenting and will not comment on the wisdom of making the decision to build a salon” but rather “was commenting very specifically on the right to perms and pompadours people have that dates back to our founding.”
With such heated views on both sides, the controversy is unlikely to be resolved in the public forum and most likely will end up in front of the Supreme Court. We Care for Hair is looking to the conservative court of Justice Roberts (cut: “The Situation”) to uphold their viewpoint and protect future governors from being spared the horrid treatment their governor faced; the special interest group remains hopeful, as it believes that a body that wears the same clothes every single day will not view Kerl’s “right to style” as a Constitutional imperative. The more liberal members of the court, however, are likely to make it a close decision. “We believe in the right to a great do at any time,” said Supreme Court Justice and Kool Kutz client Elena Kagan (cut: the “Janet Reno”). “After all, this is America, the land of the free and the home of the mullet.”
[Image taken from http://www.thehollywoodgossip.com/gallery/rod-blagojevich-picture/%5D